I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Randomize
