Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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