Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize