Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I am spending my child support on dildos
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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