Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
