My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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