Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
