I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
