Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i drank out of a bidet.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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