i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
