Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
