she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
organizing the empties. That sober.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
