I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
