Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
