I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
