I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
