i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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