Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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