if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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