yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
