So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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