We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
