so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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