I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Randomize
