It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize