Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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