Soap is not a condiment
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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