Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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