oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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