I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
