she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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