Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
