You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
