maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
