apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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