I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
