Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
