I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize