I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
