Your face is a jimmy john
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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