i already hear my dad disowning me
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I need a beard to bite.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
