a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
