and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
