just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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