Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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