I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
