Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
