We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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