i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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