I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
