I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize