I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He better not be in your backpack
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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