State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
It's rum buckets o'clock
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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