im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
