i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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