well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
