Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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