I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
