just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
